Opening the past made easy: A trip down amnesia lane. The Perils of Personal

A few weeks ago on one of my social networking sites (Facebook) I posted some pictures of a camping event that is now 13 1/2 years in the past. I did this because I’d realised that of the 10 or so people in a group shot; 7 of them were in my network on that site. It took me some consideration as to whether or not to post this slice of history. While the photo’s aren’t incriminating they contain photographs of people that I had varying levels of relationships with. College years… go figure. And yes.. there are pictures of past relationships; some of which I’ve chosen to never try to rebuild the bridge for One of those bridges I have since mended was beginning to ignite around that time period; but interestingly if not for LiveJournal; that bridge may have stayed forever burnt. The mere act of posting the pictures also began the reconstruction of 1 or 2 other bridges.

There is a phrase I heard once, “The past is the past, so why don’t we just leave it there?”

I refuse to call myself middle-aged. I refuse, because I intend to live to at least 108, which means I have nearly 2 decades to go. But I was a teen of the eighties; so I am prime for nostalgia. I face pop bands of my high school years being labelled as classic rock. Remember when you felt weird hearing 1999 in 1999 because it had been 15 years? Well, it’s getting closer to it being another 15 years from 1999. So, I’m at the age where on some levels I want to look back; and on others… I really, really don’t. 

I have very few pictures of me from before my graduate school years in the mid 90s. I recently was loaned my high school yearbook from my junior year because it contains pictures of the musical that I was one of the stars of. But I think back on many old friends from high school that are lost to time. Facebook has begun to reunite me with some. Happily one friend I’ve rediscovered was probably my closest friend in all my pre-college years. Talking to him on the phone after about an eight year loss was like slipping on an old favourite coat.

I’ve actually been a member of classmates.com for about 10 years. It’s sad that it doesn’t have 1/10th the pulling power that facebook does. Twitter is also beginning to have the same effect. Two services that bring the staunchest of internet luddite kicking and screaming online into the new millennium. I have managed to find people that I spent my High School lunch hour with who’s names has all but erased themselves from the twisting grey matter of my mind. An old college buddy just today is getting me linked up to a woman that the two of us hung out with; never really dated; and…

So, it’s all great, isn’t it. Because all the memories from college and high school were… one… big… 

No.

To be honest; I’ve run across a few people on both Facebook and Twitter that have made me want to swear off using the sites. People I never dreamed would cross my path again. In some cases… people who’s paths I never wanted to think about. The tight clique that you weren’t actually apart of. The people that took advantage of your youth and naivety. The people you were cruel to as a child because you didn’t know (at the time) your behaviour was unacceptable. The people you embarrassed yourself in front of… The people who left little marks in your life that were safe because you’d grow up, move on, and never have to even think about them. They’d be turned into life lessons that didn’t have names. And maybe… yes… the relationships that weren’t supposed to end because the time wasn’t right and now they are gone. 

The internet brought us unending information. Facts. Opinions. Amusements. So much stuff that you can lose what you’re looking for or yourself entirely. Online Social Networking, brings us unending emotion. Or history sharpens, our memories clarified. Sometimes in high resolution detail. It can be a very dangerous process. 

The famous line from Spiderman is, “With great power comes great responsibility”

I didn’t take lightly the decision to post my camping pictures. I’ve regained a very respectable friendship with a person who I might not have ever spoken with. 7 years, growth, change, realignment helps that. A LiveJournal discussion on the ethical symbolism of “Buffy the Vampire Slayer” acts as the medium to open the door. I don’t want to jeopardise that. So I contemplate my actions in a more measured manner.

But at the same time.. there are doors I’ve closed that I don’t know if I am ready to have reopened. I don’t know if I’ll ever want them reopened. I know I certainly don’t want a ‘friend request’ from someone who even after 20 years I may not be able to forgive. Worse, I’d hate to find myself staring down the barrel of a twitter account I could comment to and the person on the other end my not ever be able to forgive me for something.

Tosocnet – It makes it so much easier to put it out there. But maybe what we need is a better way to find levels of what it is that we put out there.

Personally, I think the biggest crime in most social networks is the law of 3 security settings. “Me”, “My Peeps”, “Everyone”. Livejournal has smaller groups you can make. But inevitably those often break down to, “everyone that likes topic that pisses other people off”, “Just the people of my gender, so I can vent”, “The really small, and personal group I think I can actually trust with my really big f*$& ups.”, and my all time personal favourite, “As many people from my list that I can think of EXCEPT the SO who’s about to become an Ex”

Facebook is absolutely marvellous, but I have to concede that the personal to co-workers ratio is becoming a bit disconcerting. At a recent party I had one co-worker come up and say, “You know… I’m learning so much about you that I didn’t know from Facebook.” Many friends inquired 2-3 days later when my interest list lost a few entries.

Now granted, I’m a software engineer. And one of the big differences between a software engineer and say a project manager is that I want a knob for every setting I can find. The PM wants you to only know about the settings that are important. I want to be able to dial up or down the access to every iota of content I put out there. I want to be able to block specific people from some of my content but not all of it. I don’t want to have to put people in my network to give them special access or blocks.

The past is the past. I don’t necessarily want to leave it there. I just don’t want to stumble on it clicking through 3 friends lists. Except when it’s beneficial.

3 clicks, er cheers,  for the fickle nature of nostalgia, history, burnt bridges, and old buddies.

I leave you with the quote from Robin Williams in “Dead Poet’s Society”, where his students have just shown him his student yearbook.

Thank you boys for that pleasant walk down amnesia lane. Burn this.

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